Culture Shock

I 09/15 

1:31 AM 

"It's not a good-bye but a see-you later."

As I transition to my first month in UC Berkeley, I have decided to finish this blog with an appropriate post about culture shock.

When I came back a month ago, I had no clue that I would have withdrawals. They are not extreme, but rather mild nostalgia. Since then, I thought about my

experiences, the people that I met, the challenges that I overcame, the inspiration, the culture, and the list goes on! Although I enthusiastically share my stories, they feel less and less genuine (the more and more that I talk about them). It's like I am trying to bring back something that I can't bring back. It's as if the clear memories are slowly becoming blurry. And, the details are getting replaced with new college memories, that I somehow cannot express my Indian stories in an explicit manner. 

I guess what I have been meaning to say is that I have not adjusted back to the American lifestyle. Everything around me

feels so individualistic and fast-paced. And, independence here can never equate to independence in India. I figured that I am too comfortable in the States, that it is such an unfamiliar feeling. I loved the stepping out of my comfort zone. Into the ambiguity. I believe that this process leads to the greatest lessons for the individual. By going into the unknown, we are forced to integrate all that we know, and seek our answers. I know college is the same environment in terms of going out of my comfort zone, but yet, everything feels normal. There is no uncertainty, no ambiguity.

Transitioning into this environment continues to be a struggle since I am also in the process of staying true to myself. It is so easy to get lost in the temptation of mediocracy and to cruise by college. But, I won't be doing myself, my family, my friends any justice. I know how difficult college is (especially UC Berkeley), but the academics is actually not the hardest part. Honestly, there are many resources that range from tutoring, to online education to having mentors, that failing classes becomes a problem of time-management. There is no reason to fail in college. However, I find myself struggling to live up to the day. I want to make the most of my days just like in Hyderabad. I want to wake up with ambitious goals for the days, and accomplish them. I want to stay on top of my game without getting discouraged by the vices around me. I know that I need to surround myself with people that positively motivate me to organize my life, to de-stress when needed, and most importantly stay true to myself. And, I found those people in India, now I just need to find them here.

Culture shock is such a huge problem for me. I easily get attached to people, and only time can surely fix it. There has not been a day since I have not thought about my time in India. I have been holding onto my experiences which makes it extremely difficult to transition to this environment. 

Well, this post is my first of many steps to live up to my memories and create new ones here. I can't keep holding on to the past, rather I should have the past to guide my present (not determine it). 

India, you have been great to me. You have helped me realize the values of family, work ethic, perseverance, genuine friends, and goals. I am forever grateful for this chance to learn and to improve myself. The sky is the limit, and you have proven to me that I am capable enough to reach for nothing but greatness.

Thank you, you will never be forgotten. 

 

08/07

23:16 (writing this on 08:14)

Accomplished. I spent the past 7 weeks for this day. I stayed up until 2 for the past 3 nights for this day. Today is the day.

Before my seminar presentation, I was extremely terrified. I found out that Padmaja wanted me to incorporate edits an hour before my presentation. I did not put in all the extra hours to feel pressured today. So, I told her that I was confident with my edits and will work with what I have.

While I was doing a run-through, I became doubtful. I wanted to just disappear and not deliver my presentation. My nerves were acting up. But, I got a pep-talk from Padmaja and that reassured me that I was doing the right thing. No one else knee my presentation as well as I did. And, I will not disappoint anyone because I worked hard for this. Today is the day.

In the beginning, I stumbled and stuttered. I felt drained because my audience seemed bored. I feed off of other's energies, and if they are not excited, I will not seem as excited. However, I tried to get rid of that mentality, and gave my best. 

By the time 11 hit, I concluded my seminar with a powerful statement that referred back to my background information and purpose. As I ended, I saw smiling faces and people mouthing "great job,". I gave it my all, and my message resonated in the audience. At that moment, the feeling of apprehension went away, and it got replaced by the feeling of excitement and accomplishment. My hard work paid off.

Before the seminar, Padmaja told me that "questions are great because people are interested,". And, there were many interested people that bombarded me with questions. The toughest one was probably Dr. Bantilan's question. She inquired about how my project has a relationship with community driven development (CDD). And, I related it back to my home place and how home is different to the rural village dynamics. But, the main goal of both places are CDD. It's just they have different means in approaching the goal.

07/28-08/06

23:37 (writing this on 08/10)

Passion. I am quite disappointed at myself for letting all these wonderful days pass by without posting in this blog. I love reflecting about my day and highlighting the important parts. So, this blog post will be very different from the other posts. I do not quite recall what happened in the past week and half, so I will just post photos and explain them.

07/30

I had a lovely salad for dinner with delicious bread. We even had a karaoke night and sang to our hearts content. I can't believe how much I missed fresh greens! This was probably one of the healthiest meals that I have eaten here. There are a lot of veg options, but 90% of the time, I have no clue what they are! 

07/31

One of my friends sent me this art that they made on their rooftop. So, I started thinking about what the word meant. The dictionary definition is: (v.) to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something). But, the word means so much more to me. If applied to my life, I think about how every memory, every experience and every person that we encounter "changes" us. And, on an optimistic and pessimistic perspective, our lives continue to change. So, even though we are the "product of our circumstances", the feelings that we go through will change sooner or later. With this whole internship, I cannot believe that I will soon go back to my SF lifestyle. But, it will be different. I think and act differently now, and other people might not adapt to that change in me. However, change is good because that is how we grow and define ourselves. 

08/01

I started this Saturday morning with a Skype call with my favorite people. Then, I got ready to go for Dominos and a Vijetha trip. Honestly, this has been one of my favorite weekends. I spent most of it with Gabby, but we found out that we are practically the same person. It is honestly so scary. But, I have mad respect for her for calling me out on things that I do wrong. And, she does not do it in a condescending way, but rather in a bigger sister tone. Plus, she is very passionate about her culture and her stories about Jamaica influence me to go back home. I hope that I can book a ticket for this weekend to the Philippines! This December will be my 10th year in the US, and I am dedicated to save money to go back home. Well, bottom line, Gabby is basically my evil twin.

08/02

There is so many beautiful and not-so-great things about this photo. Well, this is our ICRISAT family photo with Titu, the dog. This photo makes all of us look so rich (I think it is the dog). After this internship, I am going to look back to this photo and reminisce on all the experiences and memories of the ICRISAT 2015 interns, PhD students and staff. I never learned the importance of conversations until this internship. I never fully grasped the meaning of "fighting the power" until this internship. I never desired to get back to my roots until this internship. And, these people have a huge influence on all those positive effects. I am sad to say that I am leaving this family in a couple of days. 

08/03

Gabby decided to cook for pasta for us because she is tired of her "Gabby meal". So, we feasted on pasta! Unfortunately, I can no longer eat dairy because it upsets my stomach. It is such a bummer because I love cheese and milk so much! I would honestly go cheese-tasting in Berkeley if that is available. Then, we played the wonderful game of Fishbowl, and Gabby and I defended our titles! I love how we win and we don't even cheat! We just have great group dynamics. Like, she understands my gestures and hints, and vice versa! And, we just laugh at the other people when they can't get our cards. Fishbowl is a must-play game for a big group of people! It is very friendly and easy to understand! But, make sure you are partner with someone that thinks like you, so you can easily win.

08/04

After a very tiring day at work, I went to say good-bye to Gretchen. I can't believe that Mariah and I are the next ones leaving! The thought of leaving just scares me. I think it is a bittersweet feeling, but more on the bitter side. 

Then, I went for a very long with Gabby. This blog post basically just rants about my hangouts with Gabby. Well, it was a great de-stresser because work has been slowly killing me. And, I didn't even think about my "to-do list". I put a table on it and just enjoyed the walk, and came across this beautiful view. It reminded me of the San Francisco landscapes, and I can't wait to see those again. Views of skyscrapers just make me think some type of way. I don't just think about their beauty, but how they are made by mankind. And, I think about the history that comes with the views. I was pretty surprised to see the faint and glistening lights that twinkled on this dark night. Above all that, I had great company to share late night conversations and late night simpin'.

08/05

I have almost reached my stress point. While talking to Gabbie (my sister), I could not help but think about all the things left for my project. I spent the past two days writing my report, and now, I have a day and a half to finish my presentation. I just constantly think about my project even when I am facetiming my sister. I want this feeling to go away.

08/06

In the morning, I finished my prezi presentation. After lunch, I presented to Dr. Bantilan and Padmaja. I felt so drained during the whole presentation because I only had 5 hours of sleep. For the past 2 days, I have been sleeping at 2 or 3 AM because of this stressful project. And, I am only stressing about this because I am passionate with my topic. I am not only doing this report for myself, but also for the SHG leaders of Dokur. They have inspired me with their words and their work. And, giving my best regarding this project is my way of thanking them for their impact in my life. So, yes, I will stress about it because I care.

Oh, and happy Jamaican Independence Day! Gabby came over to cook superb chicken and Johnny cakes (?). My plate doesn't seem to have as much food, but that actually made me full! I wished that I was able to help her cook, but I had to work on my project. Then, I left dinner to finalize my report. I did a run-through and that gave me more confidence, but I was still nervous. I just need to use my antsy feelings for my advantage. As I said, I only feel this way because I care about my project. If I did not, I would not put in all the extra hours that make me extremely tired. At this point, I have done everything that I could, and I am just going to continue trying my best, and pray that shows tomorrow. 

07/27

9:45 (writing this on 07/28)

Stressed. I think that I have been breaking out more because of my work. I thought that my mind would be at peace, and at working-zone because of my restful weekend. Unfortunately, my mind felt very hectic after lunch. I got work done before, but I slowly began to doubt myself after lunch (maybe it was the food coma??). But, regardless, I started to think that I cannot do this project because I am just a recent high school senior. It was such a tough day. 

Then, I got a pep talk from Michaela during tea time and that reassured me that all these thoughts were just in my head. They exist because I care about presenting my project to the best of my abilities. So, I pushed through and worked my best until 6 PM. My greatest thoughts come when everyone is gone!

After work, I needed to go for a run! I definitely needed to "run" away from the negative thoughts, so I went for a long run with Alex. I am just so thankful to have safe space to go for a run and escape the work that lies on my office desk. Honestly, I need to take more breaks and I will enjoy my project much more! But, when I take breaks, I feel as if I am wasting precious time. So, I just stare at my computer screen and hope that brilliant thoughts come! And, sometimes they do. Anyways, I am going to try taking more breaks this week, so that my mind can be refreshed and happy to continue this job!

07/26

09:34 (writing this on 09/28)

Relaxing. I woke up at 10 AM on the beautiful Sunday morning. You know, oversleeping is such a normal thing to do on the weekend! Then, I facetimed my wonderful TL friends. Every time I talk to family and friends, I become extremely homesick. But, it reminds me that I am going back home (as bittersweet as that sounds). It's like I am leaving a place that I turned into my home, but I am going back to my real home, if that makes any sense. Actually, we make our own homes wherever we go! So, leaving India will truly be a bittersweet experience. Wow, I have been simpin' too much!

I went for a swim in the afternoon, and I have been actually improving. I can now "breathe" underwater. For example, I am getting used to exhaling underwater and going up for air. I do not know the terminology for that. I really hope that I can swim wall to wall without struggling before I leave ICRISAT! It is a lofty goal, but it will be extremely satisfying if I can accomplish it.

And, I took another nap and finished the day with a Harry Potter movie. It is so awesome to share my love for the movies and books with my roommate. Watching an HP movie with cup of tea and Karachi cookies was probably the best way to end such a restful weekend! 

07/25

09:25 (writing this on 07/28)

Delightful. The night before, I came up with my Saturday plan:

8:00 wake up and cook an omelette 

8:30 read a book on a hammock

10:00 go for a swim

12:00 eat lunch

Well, none of that happened because I overslept! I woke up at 11, but actually got up at 12. I facetimed my family and caught up with little GIBBY! I can't believe that she already lost so many of her teeth! I hope that the "tooth fairy" is actually giving her money (hehe). We also are planning a potential road trip when I come back. I really hope that happens because I will only have a week until I go to college, and it will be nice to have part of that time with the fam! If only I knew how to drive!

When I finally got up from my lovely bed, I helped Mariah cook food. She is such a wonderful chef! Sometimes I feel like I am not doing her justice as a roommate because she does so much more for me. For example, she would always cook extra for me, WHO DOES THAT?! Well, she made omelettes and dessert crepes. And they were both on point!

They were both so savory! I really think that I am going to start cooking at home when I come back. Let us just hope that I do not burn the house!

We ended our very delightful day with a long nap and a Harry Potter movie. First of all, I hate naps because they make sleeping at night IMPOSSIBLE! But, I also like them because they make me attentive. So, I was very focused with the whole movie. Harry Potter marathons just make my days! 

07/24

9:14 (writing this on 09/28)

Educational. Today was the big day for the Cornell folks; they were finally presenting their research! Before lunch, I had to sit through all of the presentations; I felt as if I was a student all over again! I realized how difficult it was to focus on the presentations. Although I am excited for college, I do not think I am ready to sit on lectures. I am easily distracted by Google!

Nonetheless, I gained a very valuable lesson from the PowerPoint presentations: there is no need to be scared to present because I have already done it! I do not know why I worry so much about my presentation (maybe because I care so much?). But, a presentation is just a presentation! I have done hundreds of them, and I am going to do another one soon. It should be an exciting opportunity, not anything intimidating. When I saw them present, I knew that I could do it. The main difference between myself and the presenters was experience. And, I will just gain more experience after my

presentation. Plus, I have a bunch of people supporting me in this entire internship that there is honestly nothing to fear. 

After work, I hung around with the people going to Bangalore. Seeing them leave for the weekend was a tad depressing. I cannot imagine fully saying "see-you later" to them in a couple of weeks.

Well, I have the weekend to relax and enjoy all the perks of ICRISAT!

07/23

9:14 (writing this on 07/24)

Ordinary. This entire week has been flat-out exhausting. There are no major updates for my work, aside from how my momentum is slowly declining. I honestly just need a long break from not thinking about my work. To make a long story short, I am over-worked.

During work, I did not really accomplish much.. I started data entry and I am in the process of organizing/outlining the information that I want to communicate for my project. Who knew that there are so much information for such a micro-topic? One of my biggest obstacle is ensuring that I focus on the scope of my project. Research is insanely tedious and rewarding at the end.

07/22

9:07 (writing this on 07/23)

Burned out. One of my biggest highlights of the day was partly finishing my methodology. I got very drained when I tried writing my conclusion, so I stopped there. So far, I am making great progress with my report. By the end of the week, I hope to get an outline of what results I want to portray for my audience #preshdoeswork.

The morale in the office has been a scary roller coaster. Before lunch, everyone is extremely focused and it's difficult to talk to other people. Then, afterwards, everyone's energy is drained and they just want to go home. When everyone leaves, then I am at my most productive stage. I do not get it.

After work, I went for a bike ride around ICRISAT with Shakti. I got a minor battle wound and probably even swallowed an insect. Night bike rides are tough, but it is just as beautiful as day bike rides (because of all the night flies).

I ended the night by watching Troy with some of the interns. I am so fascinated by Greek culture. Apparently, the guy that escaped Troy led his people to create Rome. I feel like I am going to study Greek/Roman mythology/history in the future. Or, I can just watch a bunch of those movies on my free time. 

Oh, another highlight is tea time!!

I am seriously having tea time in Berkeley.

07/21

9:01 (writing this on 07/22)

Drained. I love how everyday is different. Today, I spent an extra three hours at work creating my charts and graphs. Prior to that, I talked to other scientists about their work to give me a broader understanding on what I should incorporate to my project. I even drank tea with one of the staff and talked about our work! 

I love the working environment in ICRISAT. I can just walk in to another office and have a quick chat. The doors are open for everyone! Sometimes, I think about working for an international research center because of the diversity of thoughts and cultures. I practically learn about the world through my daily conversations. But, then again, I want to see the results of my work. If I do research, the results may not come until a long time! I feel more motivated when I see the direct impact, and research is very similar to public policy. It is tedious work that might not even have direct results, but when the results slowly come together, it is one of the most satisfying feelings! Being in ICRISAT continues to develop my interests and aspirations.

After work, my mind felt dead. When I would talk to people, I felt my head moving in circles (staring at a laptop screen for a long time is no bueno). But, I felt better by the end of the night. Fannie, Mariah, Olivia and I had very enlightening conversations with the other PhD students from the Conference. While talking to Shakti, I realized a lot of positive things about myself:

1) I simply things to make them less overwhelming/complicated

2) I live through the struggle, the pain and the sadness because they only make us stronger people. Mariah once told me that we all have to experience sadness in order to feel utter happiness

3) I live by Jessica's motto of "everything in life is either a great experience or a learning lesson"

4) "We are all a product of our outcome"(Shakti). We think the way we think and act because of our environment. Simple as that.

I have not had a very philosophical conversation like that in a long time. Although I was drained from the day, I greatly enjoyed our late night simpin'.

07/20

9:32 (writing this on 07/21)

Tedious. I have a long to-do list for my project and I know that I have to do over-time (2-3 hours extra) each day. And, Monday was that day...

During the day, I joined this seminar for the Cornell students. I had so much trouble keeping my eyes open. I paid attention for the first ten minutes, then I had to pinch myself and doodle to lee myself awake. How am I going to survive with my 8 AM classes in Berkeley? Actually, how am I going to get up for those classes?!?!

During the afternoon, Pallavi explained to me her notes, and I kept thinking to myself how effective and useful SHGs were in empowering women, and uplifting rural villages from poverty. At its core, SHGs practice micro finance, but there is so much more information to that! I have to analyze the government regulations, the different benefits (4 in total), the reasons that make groups fail, and the list goes on! I just have to focus on my objectives so that my paper is not all over the place. 

I know that I am putting my best in my work, but sometimes I feel like it is not enough. I simply do not know enough about creating diagrams and charts, and I have to spend most of my time learning rather than writing. I am not doubting my abilities, but I get discouraged to see the amount of work that still needs to be done in my last 14 days of work. I just gotta stay grinding and hustling.

I finished work at around 7 PM, and I worked out afterwards. My mind definitely needed physical activity because I have been sitting down for almost the entire day! Then, I came home to delicious food (Mac & Cheese and mashed potatoes). But, before eating that, Mariah and I had a delightful Skype conversation with Lisa. It was great to catch up with her! I definitely would not be writing this blog if it was not for her, Ms. Kavass and Ms. Basch. I have such wonderful female role models!

After dinner, I was extremely exhausted from my tedious work of plugging in the information to my computer. So, I slept like a baby! 

07/19

9:15 (writing this on 07/21)

Rapture. During the morning, I went for an early bike ride with the Princeton folks. I am just in awe every time I go for a bike ride! ICRISAT has so many beautiful landscapes and various animals that range from peacocks to Bulls. Believe me when I say that ICRISAT is a tropical animal resort!

After the bike ride, I got ready to go to brunch with our group. As usual, the driver ran on Filipino time, so we left for Brunch by 14:00. On top of that, the driver did not know how to get to our Brunch place. So, we spent about 30 minutes looking for the place and we were already cranky and hungry. Those two adjectives are not fun when combined together.

By the time we got to Olive Bistro, our brunch place, many people did not want to eat there because of the price (Rs 1500/person). I tried convincing people that we went our way to get here, and there was so many food available to us! And, did I mention that it was a buffet of delicious Western food? My persuasion skills worked and we had a feast! 

I started eating this plate of appetizers and I almost teared up from the whirlwind of flavors from the salad, zucchini, prawns, and etc. 

Then, I moved on to the Pesto Pasta and I had to close my eyes on each bite (yes, the food was that great)! I even ate Tenderloin steak. 

And, I finished my meal with these lovely desserts! The chocolate fudge literally melted in my mouth. I do not think that I have ever felt as happy as I was in Olive Bistro. I reached the level of rapture! And, it wasn't just the food but the great company of my friends. They enjoyed the food just as I did, and that definitely added on to the experience. 

On our way to ICRISAT, we jammed to American music and danced our way home! I do not think that I would ever have the same exotic Brunch experience anywhere else. 

07/18

23:55 (writing this on 07/20)

Chill. After almost a whole week at the village, I spent the entire Saturday with the other interns and ICRISAT staff. We went to Ramoji City and the entire place was like an artificial Hollywood/Bollywood. They placed the Hollywood attractions in the very beginning to get people's attention. And, it worked!

Since we were hungry from the car ride, we quickly ate our lunch and watche a play. At first the Hollywood film confused me because it was a dancing lion filled with neon lights. But, then I realized that he was the host and the point of the show was to explore the different movie genres. Each genre highlighted a different movie like James Bond and Pirates and the Carribean. It was wonderful to see the mixture of cultures through the show. 

Our next stop was the Ramoji city tour. We practically saw all of India's architectures in 30 minutes. 

And, we visited the different gardens and I was mesmerized to see the beautiful sceneries! Hugo, the French intern, told me that people looked at nature for inspiration. And, I remembered looking at the birds and having the tendancy to stare at them and write a poem! I wanted to depict how they felt living in a cage, when they were meant to be fly freely. Then, I wanted to relate that to human lives. Nature is definitely an inspiration for my writing, and I feel at peace when I see animals and jaw-dropping nature views.

The best part about the entire garden area was the Bonsai garden. There were various Bonsai trees growing and they resembled different shapes that made them each unique. I am a fan of Bonsai Trees because of Muhammad Yunus's quote: "poor people are like Bonsai Trees", and Caela gave me one for my Birthday. 

Aside from the attractions in Ramoji, I particularly enjoyed hanging out with these folks. A chill day spent with chill people. 

07/17

20:52 (writing this on 07/19)

Appreciation. I had only until noon-ish until I had to leave the village. When I woke up, I did not want to think about leaving. I knew that I was leaving a place that welcomed me with open arms and treated me as their own. Man, I hate good-byes.

I woke up at 6:30 AM to prepare for an interview with the Sarpanch, the village local leader, and the Village Revenue Assistant. Although my body screamed exhaustion, I had to get up and get ready. By 7:25, we left our rooms and went to the ICRISAT office.

One of my other biggest barriers with my trip was the interview itself. Sometimes, many people would speak on behalf of the interviewee and distract them. I only wanted the perspectives of my interviewee, no one else. By the time I was half-way done with my interview with the VRA, the Sarpanch came by and I decided to interview both of them at the same time. The Sarpanch knew more information compared to the VRA, so the VRA pretty much agreed with the Sarpanch. I think I should have just conduceted them as separate interviews, but I needed to respect their time because it was Ramjan on Saturday, and they had important business. Nonetheless, both male leaders provided me with essential information about the creation of SHGs, the progress of the groups, their financial matters and their impact in the entire village. SHGs are such a brilliant government project because it gives women that do not have access to money, an opportunity to become financially-aware and financially-stable. Slowly, families support their wives because SHGs build more money and they provide an abundant amount of benefits. Then, the entire village have families that are empowered to elevate themselves from poverty into prosperity.

Photo with the Sarpanch and the VRA. 

After our last interviews, Pallavi, Swathi and Shankar gave me a tour of the ICRISAT office. We spent twenty minutes on the rooftop talking about our experience in the village. I even recorded their responses and those made me appreciate my time in the village. We all shared the same love for the people of Dokur. Maybe, that was why the trip was so successful and productive!

I visited the hospital and school with only four hours to spare. The diet in rural village is predominantly paddy. Many of the villagers have huge stomachs and scrawny arms and legs because they were malnutritioned. And many of them were also tested for STDs, malaria, and UTIs. The clinic charged each villager RS 15-20 per check-in. But, apparently, 30% of the villagers did not utilize the clinic because they did not believe that they were helpful. Instead, they would use more of their money to get check-ups in private hospitals because they provide more medications. The lack of education in the village regarding health has led many of the women to spend/invest their SHG loans on health reasons. Although there is a clinic that practically provides free check-ins and connections with Hyderbad hospital, many villagers are still reluctant in utilizing that resource.

After a very informative time in the clinic, we took a mini tour of the school. Unfortunately, the school was closed due to the Ramjan holiday. But, I was able to hangout with the kids after the school visit.

I love kids' curiosity. All of them were very interested in the videos and photos on my phone. I even taught Venella how to use my phone and navigate through the photos. Sometimes they would name some of the things that they recognized like goat, houses and etc. I wished that I understood them and spent more time with them in the village. The kids really put colors in Dokur.

Photo with my favorite kids.

Before we left the village, we ate gifts and gave gifts to our landlady and Yadamma, our cook. 

Photo with our landlady.

I am definitely going to miss village food. Yadamma even cooked me two omelettes because she knew how much I loved eggs!

This might be an over exaggeration, but the eggs she cooked were probably the best that I have had (or maybe I have just been egg-deprived).

Photo with Yadamma.

After lunch, I put my luggage in the car and said my good-byes to my other family. A bunch of the women that I met gathered around our car to say goodbye. I nearly teared up when they did that. Look, these women only knew me for 3 and 1/2 days but they took the time out of their day to send me off. I gave them warm hugs and left. It's never a good-bye but a see-you later.

07/16

23:16

Love. Being in a rural village teaches me to be content. The people here do not have a bucket list of things to do. They are not running on the clock. I noticed that I am the opposite. I am constantly thinking about the next thing to do; I never settle for what I have. And, that ambitious mentality makes me less content with what I have in my life. For example, I do not take take enough time out of my day to sit back and reflect on all of my blessings. But, being in the village, I noticed how happy people were. They have a family, a community of loving people, and by the end of the day, those are all that we need. 

My first interviewee was Shankaramma. During the middle of the interview, her husband told me how "dumb" it was that I was talking to them and they were talking to me. The language barrier proved to be such a huge obstacle because it felt as if words were lost in translation. Again, I had great translators but when the information was simplified and summarized, tids and tads of information was lost. 

Photo with Shankaramma

Right after my interview with Shankaramma, we interviewed Sandinarsamma. Talking to her was extremely easy. She had a daughter that was mute, but it touched me to see how much love she had for her. She spent a good amount of her loans for her daughter's happiness. And, she even spent most of her money on her children's education, although they rarely visit them. She epitomized a genuine, loving mother. 

Photo with Sandirnasamma

Before lunch, we had no break with the interviews. I went for my third interview after Sandirnasamma. I interviewed Jhanakamu and she provided me with the most visual insights about SHGs. She showed me her bank statements, the check-in books, the loans book, and the savings book. I could not believe the amount of work put in SHGs. And, a great leader must remain organized and create rules and regulations that maintained the structure of the group. 

Jhanakamu's bank statement

Towards the middle of the interview, Shankaramma told me that she could keep talking to me because of the lack of work. She even said, "Not having rain is good luck for you, and bad luck for us". The Semi-arid tropics are so dependent on agriculture and rainfall! And, when there is a drought, families need to cope with it because they do not have any other major form of income-generated activities. I never truly understood the importance of water irrigation and conservation until I got to Dokur. 

Photo with Jhanakamu

After our third and tiring interview, we ate a much-deserved lunch. Then, we went straight to another interview with Satema. Satema, a 66 year old woman, gave me inquisitive looks every time I asked her questions. It was the most hilarious conversation I had! When I looked at her and asked her questions in English, she would ask my translators, "Why is she looking and talking at me? We do not understand each other". And, my translators would break down in laughter! Since their laughters were contagious, I would break down as well; what an interesting interview!

Before taking a photo with my respondents, I would always tell them to smile. And, look how beautiful this photo is!

Photo with Satema

After Satema's interview, I had three more interviews: one successful SHG leader, a failed/inactive leader and the bookkeeper. I also had a focus group discussion with failed group leaders and members. By the end of the night, the morale was low, but we ended up accomplishing all of that!

Before interviewing another person, we spent an hour for our break. I could notice our morale getting low, so I made sure that we got some rest by talking and hanging out with the women and children. I love how they all welcome me to their homes and have conversations with me. Unfortunately, I was unable to talk to other people because I could not understand not speak Telegu. Nonetheless, I made the most of my break by trying to speak in Telegu, and sharing my food with them.

During our break, Buchamma, our cook's mother, came to be interviewed. She was my last failed SHG-leader that I needed to interview. I realized that I did not have enough perspectives from the failed leaders. And, I did not get any perspectives from the members! But, I had no time to change my intended goal. So, I just rolled with it!

Photo with Buchamma

Before my last Focus Group Discussion, we interviewed our last successful SHG leader, Chendramma. When I was asking her questions, I could not help but feel sad that she was my last respondent! That meant that my time at the village was slowly coming to an end. I loved interviewing people because each interview was unique and provided me with crucial information. And, all of the respondents were willing to share their lives to me, a stranger! But, by the end of the conversation, I was not a stranger, but a friend.

Photo with Chendramma

I just needed to conduct a FGD and a quick conversation with the bookkeeper. I was determined to finish all of that work! Prior to the FGD, we all took rest and Pallavi and Swathi taught me how to dance. I love Indian dances because of the flowy moves. I also taught them some American moves like the WHIP! They told me how stiff American dance moves were, but I think that I am just stiff in general.

After a very relaxing break, we prepared for the FGD. Pallavi gave me a pep-talk about how much the MIP department wants me to have a successful project. When she said that, I knew that I am not doing this project for myself, but for the people in Dokur and all my mentors that always push me to believe in myself. 

Then, she and Swathi dressed me up in a half-saree. 

I was definitely ready for my FGD now! This discussion was different than the other FGD. Many of the members and leaders highlighted the negative aspects of being in an SHGs. They mentioned a recent scam that broke many groups apart, but most of them argued when that topic of conversation came up. As I wrote the answers and listened tentatively, I could not help but notice how empowered each woman was! Some leaders would talk above others because of their power and confidence. While listening to them, I would think, "Wow, I cannot believe that I am in India!" 

The women in Dokur were extremely easy to get along. They made me feel as if I was part of their village. No one treated me as a stranger. ICRISAT continues to do a great job in creating a strong relationship with the rural villagers.

Although I was exhausted by the end of the FGD, I knew that I still had one more interview to do! Well, it was more like Pallavi's interview because she wanted to get the logistics (benefits, rules and structure of the SHGs) from the bookkeeper. That interview lasted for almost an hour, like all of my other interviews.

Photo with the bookkeeper

It was already 10 PM by the time it ended and my stomach was growling! When we ate dinner, I went straight to bed right after brushing my teeth and washing my face. I had such a long day! But, it was the most productive day that I have had as an ICRISAT intern. Being exhausted by the end of the day was a great sign! It meant that I accomplished a lot and pushed myself to my limits. 

07/15

01:24 (writing this on 07/18)

Mushy. I am not really great at good-byes. Sometimes I hide behind the amount of work that must be done so I do not think about people leaving. And, that's exactly what I did.

Before Caleb left in the afternoon, Sundhya came to dress me up. 

Photo with Sundhya

Swathi and Pallavi even lent me bangles and earrings to match the saree. They were my fashion designers! When I walked down from the room, I heard compliments after compliments. I wore the saree to adjust to the culture and they accepted me even more!

Then, I conducted 2 interviews in the morning. I found out that my sample for the successful SHG-leaders provided me with very similar information. When I talked to Nagama and Nilama, I was in complete awe. Sure, they talked about very similar experiences, but they communicated the information in such strong manner. They were confident and strong women. They were empowered.

Photo with Shankaramma

Photo with Nagamma

Photo with Nilamma

After these interviews, I ended up forming more questions. I needed to know the loan procedures, the list of SHG benefits, the different government rules, the list of leaders and their castes and so many more! My to-do list just got longer! Since, I ended up getting more information, I jay wanted to sit and synthesize my thoughts. But, I ended up going to the paddy fields and learning about transplanting.

I never knew the real impact of droughts until I got to Dokur. People really do not have any work unless there is no rain. Dokur has borewells and a watershed project that needs rain to work. The borewells depend on rain because it feeds of the groundwater. And, many farmers share the same borewell and they sometimes they pump excessively which cause the borewell to dry up. Because there is no rain, people cannot get access to adequate water for their crops therefore putting them in a state of poverty. Semi-arid tropic places need to grow drought-resistant crops (sorghum, pearl millet, chickpea, and etc.) but even if they do, they might not necessarily eat it or sell it. Dokur people grow paddy because that is their main source of consumption, but that requires so much water usage. Unfortunately, you cannot just tell a bunch of farmers to grow certain crops because their culture and their lifestyle has been focused on eating paddy and growing paddy. I am currently still in the process of thinking of an answer to this problem.

In the meantime, I took precious photos by the paddy crops!

After our detour to the paddy crops and our festive lunch, we went to the marketplace to show Caleb around. I just stayed in the car because it was extremely humid! So, I showed Shankur how to make movies on my phone, and I am currently in the process of creating 3-4 short movies about my adventures in India.

Then, Caleb stopped by to say good-bye and that honestly made me sad. He taught me so much about being a PhD student to leasing in land to outputs in marketplaces to water irrigation to being a great parent. I can't believe that I am just going to be by myself again in my office. It bummed me out to see him leave, but we all have to do it sometime (as realistic as that sounds).

Before our successful SHG-leader focus group discussion at 7, we interviewed two more people, Kamalamma and Sujatha.

Photo with Kamalamma

Kamalamma was the fastest interview that I had so far because I actually got the hang of my research tool. And, it went by quickly because there were no other people interupting or pitching in their thoughts. Again, I noticed the calmness and eloquence every time she spoke. I think I am beginning to differentiate between successful and failed leaders because of the way the communicated.

After my lovely conversation with Kamalamma, we immediately went to interview Sujatha.

Photo with Sujatha

Sujatha was quite different from everyone else. When I asked her questions, she listened intensively and tried to understand my English. She would occasionally nod, but the language barrier proved to be extremely difficult in fully understanding her. But, my translators summarized the information extremely well. I just couldn't help but realize how much words were lost in translation.

After the interview, Sujatha showed me sarees. She wanted to sell me some, and I knew I was going to buy one because I wanted to help her out. While I was picking one out, she would tell me that she wanted my saree in such a joking manner. In response, I would compliment her saree because she wore a much beautiful saree than mine.

By the time I picked one out, we had to go. We only had 30 minutes to prepare for the Focus Group and we all needed a break. I extremely worked Pallavi and Swathi because I need the responses! But, I love how they were very focused and helpful with everything I needed to create a successful project. 

At the beginning of the focus group discussion, I was not prepared. People were talking on top of each other, so others did not speak up. In order to prevent that, I would raise my voice to quiet everyone and ask the same question but to a different section of the group. After two to three questions, people spoke up one at a time, but again it would get carried away. It felt just like a Boys and Girls Club Keystone meeting! Nonetheless, I made sure that I got everyone's opinions because that is the entire goal of a focus group! Many of them said the same information, but they justified the importance of Self-Helped Groups. 

Photo with the successful SHG-leaders

Then, we interviewed Lakshmi. She share d really personal information that just made me all mushy. Throughout the entire interview, I just thought about how

strong she was! She had gone through so many obstacles just to stay in her group, and I believe that if you do not let a barrier overpower you, then you are a leader. And, Lakshmi is a leader.

Photo with Lakshmi 

The best part about my work so far is seeing the smiles in people. Before every photo, I obnoxiously tell them to smile because they all look extremely beautiful when they show their happy, jubilant faces. And, it warmed me to see them listen to me and look straight at the camera and smile! 

By the end of the night, Pallavi, Swathi and I even did our own photo shoot!

We accomplished so much in one day, and I am proud to say that I have such a driven and dedicated team!