08/07

23:16 (writing this on 08:14)

Accomplished. I spent the past 7 weeks for this day. I stayed up until 2 for the past 3 nights for this day. Today is the day.

Before my seminar presentation, I was extremely terrified. I found out that Padmaja wanted me to incorporate edits an hour before my presentation. I did not put in all the extra hours to feel pressured today. So, I told her that I was confident with my edits and will work with what I have.

While I was doing a run-through, I became doubtful. I wanted to just disappear and not deliver my presentation. My nerves were acting up. But, I got a pep-talk from Padmaja and that reassured me that I was doing the right thing. No one else knee my presentation as well as I did. And, I will not disappoint anyone because I worked hard for this. Today is the day.

In the beginning, I stumbled and stuttered. I felt drained because my audience seemed bored. I feed off of other's energies, and if they are not excited, I will not seem as excited. However, I tried to get rid of that mentality, and gave my best. 

By the time 11 hit, I concluded my seminar with a powerful statement that referred back to my background information and purpose. As I ended, I saw smiling faces and people mouthing "great job,". I gave it my all, and my message resonated in the audience. At that moment, the feeling of apprehension went away, and it got replaced by the feeling of excitement and accomplishment. My hard work paid off.

Before the seminar, Padmaja told me that "questions are great because people are interested,". And, there were many interested people that bombarded me with questions. The toughest one was probably Dr. Bantilan's question. She inquired about how my project has a relationship with community driven development (CDD). And, I related it back to my home place and how home is different to the rural village dynamics. But, the main goal of both places are CDD. It's just they have different means in approaching the goal.

07/28-08/06

23:37 (writing this on 08/10)

Passion. I am quite disappointed at myself for letting all these wonderful days pass by without posting in this blog. I love reflecting about my day and highlighting the important parts. So, this blog post will be very different from the other posts. I do not quite recall what happened in the past week and half, so I will just post photos and explain them.

07/30

I had a lovely salad for dinner with delicious bread. We even had a karaoke night and sang to our hearts content. I can't believe how much I missed fresh greens! This was probably one of the healthiest meals that I have eaten here. There are a lot of veg options, but 90% of the time, I have no clue what they are! 

07/31

One of my friends sent me this art that they made on their rooftop. So, I started thinking about what the word meant. The dictionary definition is: (v.) to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something). But, the word means so much more to me. If applied to my life, I think about how every memory, every experience and every person that we encounter "changes" us. And, on an optimistic and pessimistic perspective, our lives continue to change. So, even though we are the "product of our circumstances", the feelings that we go through will change sooner or later. With this whole internship, I cannot believe that I will soon go back to my SF lifestyle. But, it will be different. I think and act differently now, and other people might not adapt to that change in me. However, change is good because that is how we grow and define ourselves. 

08/01

I started this Saturday morning with a Skype call with my favorite people. Then, I got ready to go for Dominos and a Vijetha trip. Honestly, this has been one of my favorite weekends. I spent most of it with Gabby, but we found out that we are practically the same person. It is honestly so scary. But, I have mad respect for her for calling me out on things that I do wrong. And, she does not do it in a condescending way, but rather in a bigger sister tone. Plus, she is very passionate about her culture and her stories about Jamaica influence me to go back home. I hope that I can book a ticket for this weekend to the Philippines! This December will be my 10th year in the US, and I am dedicated to save money to go back home. Well, bottom line, Gabby is basically my evil twin.

08/02

There is so many beautiful and not-so-great things about this photo. Well, this is our ICRISAT family photo with Titu, the dog. This photo makes all of us look so rich (I think it is the dog). After this internship, I am going to look back to this photo and reminisce on all the experiences and memories of the ICRISAT 2015 interns, PhD students and staff. I never learned the importance of conversations until this internship. I never fully grasped the meaning of "fighting the power" until this internship. I never desired to get back to my roots until this internship. And, these people have a huge influence on all those positive effects. I am sad to say that I am leaving this family in a couple of days. 

08/03

Gabby decided to cook for pasta for us because she is tired of her "Gabby meal". So, we feasted on pasta! Unfortunately, I can no longer eat dairy because it upsets my stomach. It is such a bummer because I love cheese and milk so much! I would honestly go cheese-tasting in Berkeley if that is available. Then, we played the wonderful game of Fishbowl, and Gabby and I defended our titles! I love how we win and we don't even cheat! We just have great group dynamics. Like, she understands my gestures and hints, and vice versa! And, we just laugh at the other people when they can't get our cards. Fishbowl is a must-play game for a big group of people! It is very friendly and easy to understand! But, make sure you are partner with someone that thinks like you, so you can easily win.

08/04

After a very tiring day at work, I went to say good-bye to Gretchen. I can't believe that Mariah and I are the next ones leaving! The thought of leaving just scares me. I think it is a bittersweet feeling, but more on the bitter side. 

Then, I went for a very long with Gabby. This blog post basically just rants about my hangouts with Gabby. Well, it was a great de-stresser because work has been slowly killing me. And, I didn't even think about my "to-do list". I put a table on it and just enjoyed the walk, and came across this beautiful view. It reminded me of the San Francisco landscapes, and I can't wait to see those again. Views of skyscrapers just make me think some type of way. I don't just think about their beauty, but how they are made by mankind. And, I think about the history that comes with the views. I was pretty surprised to see the faint and glistening lights that twinkled on this dark night. Above all that, I had great company to share late night conversations and late night simpin'.

08/05

I have almost reached my stress point. While talking to Gabbie (my sister), I could not help but think about all the things left for my project. I spent the past two days writing my report, and now, I have a day and a half to finish my presentation. I just constantly think about my project even when I am facetiming my sister. I want this feeling to go away.

08/06

In the morning, I finished my prezi presentation. After lunch, I presented to Dr. Bantilan and Padmaja. I felt so drained during the whole presentation because I only had 5 hours of sleep. For the past 2 days, I have been sleeping at 2 or 3 AM because of this stressful project. And, I am only stressing about this because I am passionate with my topic. I am not only doing this report for myself, but also for the SHG leaders of Dokur. They have inspired me with their words and their work. And, giving my best regarding this project is my way of thanking them for their impact in my life. So, yes, I will stress about it because I care.

Oh, and happy Jamaican Independence Day! Gabby came over to cook superb chicken and Johnny cakes (?). My plate doesn't seem to have as much food, but that actually made me full! I wished that I was able to help her cook, but I had to work on my project. Then, I left dinner to finalize my report. I did a run-through and that gave me more confidence, but I was still nervous. I just need to use my antsy feelings for my advantage. As I said, I only feel this way because I care about my project. If I did not, I would not put in all the extra hours that make me extremely tired. At this point, I have done everything that I could, and I am just going to continue trying my best, and pray that shows tomorrow. 

07/27

9:45 (writing this on 07/28)

Stressed. I think that I have been breaking out more because of my work. I thought that my mind would be at peace, and at working-zone because of my restful weekend. Unfortunately, my mind felt very hectic after lunch. I got work done before, but I slowly began to doubt myself after lunch (maybe it was the food coma??). But, regardless, I started to think that I cannot do this project because I am just a recent high school senior. It was such a tough day. 

Then, I got a pep talk from Michaela during tea time and that reassured me that all these thoughts were just in my head. They exist because I care about presenting my project to the best of my abilities. So, I pushed through and worked my best until 6 PM. My greatest thoughts come when everyone is gone!

After work, I needed to go for a run! I definitely needed to "run" away from the negative thoughts, so I went for a long run with Alex. I am just so thankful to have safe space to go for a run and escape the work that lies on my office desk. Honestly, I need to take more breaks and I will enjoy my project much more! But, when I take breaks, I feel as if I am wasting precious time. So, I just stare at my computer screen and hope that brilliant thoughts come! And, sometimes they do. Anyways, I am going to try taking more breaks this week, so that my mind can be refreshed and happy to continue this job!

07/26

09:34 (writing this on 09/28)

Relaxing. I woke up at 10 AM on the beautiful Sunday morning. You know, oversleeping is such a normal thing to do on the weekend! Then, I facetimed my wonderful TL friends. Every time I talk to family and friends, I become extremely homesick. But, it reminds me that I am going back home (as bittersweet as that sounds). It's like I am leaving a place that I turned into my home, but I am going back to my real home, if that makes any sense. Actually, we make our own homes wherever we go! So, leaving India will truly be a bittersweet experience. Wow, I have been simpin' too much!

I went for a swim in the afternoon, and I have been actually improving. I can now "breathe" underwater. For example, I am getting used to exhaling underwater and going up for air. I do not know the terminology for that. I really hope that I can swim wall to wall without struggling before I leave ICRISAT! It is a lofty goal, but it will be extremely satisfying if I can accomplish it.

And, I took another nap and finished the day with a Harry Potter movie. It is so awesome to share my love for the movies and books with my roommate. Watching an HP movie with cup of tea and Karachi cookies was probably the best way to end such a restful weekend! 

07/25

09:25 (writing this on 07/28)

Delightful. The night before, I came up with my Saturday plan:

8:00 wake up and cook an omelette 

8:30 read a book on a hammock

10:00 go for a swim

12:00 eat lunch

Well, none of that happened because I overslept! I woke up at 11, but actually got up at 12. I facetimed my family and caught up with little GIBBY! I can't believe that she already lost so many of her teeth! I hope that the "tooth fairy" is actually giving her money (hehe). We also are planning a potential road trip when I come back. I really hope that happens because I will only have a week until I go to college, and it will be nice to have part of that time with the fam! If only I knew how to drive!

When I finally got up from my lovely bed, I helped Mariah cook food. She is such a wonderful chef! Sometimes I feel like I am not doing her justice as a roommate because she does so much more for me. For example, she would always cook extra for me, WHO DOES THAT?! Well, she made omelettes and dessert crepes. And they were both on point!

They were both so savory! I really think that I am going to start cooking at home when I come back. Let us just hope that I do not burn the house!

We ended our very delightful day with a long nap and a Harry Potter movie. First of all, I hate naps because they make sleeping at night IMPOSSIBLE! But, I also like them because they make me attentive. So, I was very focused with the whole movie. Harry Potter marathons just make my days! 

07/24

9:14 (writing this on 09/28)

Educational. Today was the big day for the Cornell folks; they were finally presenting their research! Before lunch, I had to sit through all of the presentations; I felt as if I was a student all over again! I realized how difficult it was to focus on the presentations. Although I am excited for college, I do not think I am ready to sit on lectures. I am easily distracted by Google!

Nonetheless, I gained a very valuable lesson from the PowerPoint presentations: there is no need to be scared to present because I have already done it! I do not know why I worry so much about my presentation (maybe because I care so much?). But, a presentation is just a presentation! I have done hundreds of them, and I am going to do another one soon. It should be an exciting opportunity, not anything intimidating. When I saw them present, I knew that I could do it. The main difference between myself and the presenters was experience. And, I will just gain more experience after my

presentation. Plus, I have a bunch of people supporting me in this entire internship that there is honestly nothing to fear. 

After work, I hung around with the people going to Bangalore. Seeing them leave for the weekend was a tad depressing. I cannot imagine fully saying "see-you later" to them in a couple of weeks.

Well, I have the weekend to relax and enjoy all the perks of ICRISAT!

07/23

9:14 (writing this on 07/24)

Ordinary. This entire week has been flat-out exhausting. There are no major updates for my work, aside from how my momentum is slowly declining. I honestly just need a long break from not thinking about my work. To make a long story short, I am over-worked.

During work, I did not really accomplish much.. I started data entry and I am in the process of organizing/outlining the information that I want to communicate for my project. Who knew that there are so much information for such a micro-topic? One of my biggest obstacle is ensuring that I focus on the scope of my project. Research is insanely tedious and rewarding at the end.