Golden Birthday

Family. The entire weekend was reserved for my mom's side. The entire weekend was celebration after celebration. First a Birthday, then an engagement, but let me not get too ahead of myself.

Early Saturday morning, I went grocery shopping with Tita Bennie. The Market is just like what you saw on TV – vendors attempting to sell you their goods, stores left and right, and people everywhere. The market reminded me a lot of India, especially whenever my Auntie tried to bargain for the price of the food. I loved how every good was not a fixed price, unlike the goods in the US. As I recorded the marketplace, the vendors would stop me and encourage me to record their products. Then, I would shyly move away and follow my auntie.

After lunch, my auntie and I went to the salon to get her hair and makeup done. I didn’t want to wait for the whole time so I left and walked around. I noticed that most of the sari-sari stores (neighborhood stores) were ran by Lolas (grandmas). Most of the tricycle drivers were predominantly young adult males. These two jobs – store owner and tricycle driver, at least in the province, were shaped by gender. I didn’t see a male work in the sari-sari stores or a woman drive a tricycle. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, I guess it’s just the norm.

Sari-Sari Store

 

When we got back, we got ready. By the time we finished, it was 6 PM, the start of the party. Of course we ran on Filipino Time since we couldn’t find someone to pick us up because everyone else was running late. By 6:30 PM, Tito Ian picked us up and we came into the party looking like the party just started.

My mom introduced me to so many family members that I could not remember. Honestly, I felt embarrassed to forget them, so before we got into a lengthy conversation, I would tell them that I had to leave since I was the designated “videographer”. Don’t get me wrong, I really wanted to reminisce and have the “remember this… and that” conversation, but it felt too much of a shock for me. I am no longer the small eight-year old kid that left the Philippines, and I didn’t really know how to communicate that to them. On top of that, my Tagalog was broken with mixed English words in between phrases.

Whenever I took a break from videoing the celebration, I talked with my cousins. It’s so reassuring to have people around my age to relate experiences. They filled me in whenever I asked them who was who, so I didn’t look as clueless. They recalled the times we hung out as children (which I couldn’t remember most of the time). They shared stories of school and their families. I loved how easy it was to catch up with them.

Cousins with the Birthday Girl

Wacky Wacky

By the end of the celebration, my uncles, auntie and cousin sang. We were like the Filipino families I saw on TV, the ones that sang and dance. I really want music also incorporated into our parties in the States along with the long tables of Filipino food and long, endless conversations.

I am so glad to be home.

Filipino-American

Nostalgic. I spent the early years of my immigration trying to put the puzzles of my childhood together. I wanted to preserve my memories in the Philippines, but it wasn't so easy to do that as an 8 year old. Sooner or later, most of my memories got replaced with new American experiences. There's nothing wrong with that, I just didn't want to let go.

When I saw my childhood friends -- Khay, Mau and Ben, deep inside I felt so warm. It was a familiar feeling to catch up with them about family, friends, school and everything else. Even if we didn't talk, I felt blissful to just be in their presence. Even writing about this makes me happy. We took a Jeep to the Ayala Mall, and right there I realized that I love being a local (with other locals) when I travelled. I want to see how they see the Philippines. 

Childhood school

Ridin' in my Jeep

When we got to the Mall, we ate pizza. The crust was as hard as a rock, very unappetizing. But the cheese made up for it. I didn't really mind the food as much, I just loved getting lost in our conversations.   During that dinner, I realized what people mean about having more opportunities in the US.  

A1 selfie with the crew

In the US, it seems like there is more freedom to explore academically and career-wise. Throughout this trip, I've heard of people mention how there are no jobs in their hometowns so they travel hours to get to work. People do that in the US too, but I don't think it's a common narrative for many Americans. I noticed that many people my age are not as appreciative of what they are given, or for the opportunities right in front of them. For example, it's much easier for an American to travel abroad compared to those in the Philippines. The hourly minimum wage in SF is the daily minimum wage in the Philippines. Wifi is limited. The streets get flooded whenever there is heavy rain. Traffic is always part of the commute. I don't have suggestions or solutions to these, but I wanted to point out some of the everyday realities of the Filipino people. 

Throughout this trip, my classmates and family members have reiterated how hard life is in the Philippines. Whenever I say "life is hard", I've never meant it in the same weight as what I've been told here in the Philippines. Looking back, most of my problems seem minuscule. I don't have as much worries -- I have a roof over my head, I have money for food, education is affordable, I have a hard-working family and so forth. Honestly, I am truly blessed and thankful for everything I have.

Going on this trip has made me more grateful with my parents' decisions to move to the US. In exchange, I don't have close relationships with my extended family and my Tagalog is not great. Above all, I realized in this trip that I'm not entirely Filipino. I don't really know what that fully means because every Filipino has their own idea of what makes a Filipino. Yes the stereotypes are there, and they all contain some truth, but those also don't determine if one is Filipino. I realized that I am not just Filipino, but I am a Filipino-American.

Filipino Roots (07/06)

Luneta

Manila Bay

Manila Cathedral

Fort Santiago

Who doesn't love Manila?

I got the real taste of being a tourist today. Thanks to Ate Khay and Ate Rose, we were able to explore Luneta, Intramuros, and Mall of Asia. People's hospitality never ceases to amaze me. They spent their day offs, their time to relax to show us around. That's why whenever I have out of state/ out of the country friends, I make sure to take the time out of my day and show them around. It's a ripple effect.

Our whip for the day

Throughout this day I learned about Dr. Jose Rizal's life. I finally understood why he's the Philippines national hero. At a time of Spanish colonization, he fought against them through writing; the pen is indeed mightier than the sword. He started a national movement for Filipinos to own their identity, and to become their own country. The time for colonization is done.

Feelin' like Jose Rizal

Aside from his influence on Filipino independence, I was amazed to learn how passionate he was for learning. He travelled abroad to pursue higher education from Spain to Germany because he believed that there was always more. So, I started thinking, how come most people stop believing that there is more out there? Of course there is no single answer to that. It's a web of complexities that start from one's upbringing, environment, religion, culture, gender, socio-economic status, and the list goes on. All I have to say on this thought is that people need to see more in themselves and to believe that they are capable of greater measures. We are all destined for greatness.

I wonder, did Dr. Rizal understand the impact he would have on the Filipino people? Probably not. So, that got me thinking. I can live my life dedicated to addressing social issues, and my effort might not have as great of an impact while I'm alive, but like Dr. Rizal, my work will be a legacy for others. That's a bold and meaningful way of living.

We ended the night with a huge Filipino feast. We had bulalo, sisig, pansit, filipino pork chop, sweet and sour fish, fried chicken, pusit and of course, rice and lumpia. Every bite I had melted in my mouth. I don't know how I would have survived in this vacation if I did not reconvert back to eating meat. I know that I would be missing out not just on the best-tasting food ever (no bias whatsoever), but also the culture. Food is so inherent in our culture just as singing and dancing is. It's been day 2, and so far, I am extremely blessed to be here.

Yummy

Selfie game too strong

Take me to the Philippines

Before boarding the plane, a rush of emotions hit me from excitement to apprehensiveness. What exactly was I supposed to feel?

The number 11 keeps coming back to my head. It has been 11 years since I stepped foot in the Philippines. But, somehow it doesn’t mean as much as I thought it would. All I know is that I am going to this trip with no expectations, so that I can take in as much as I can.

When we landed at 3:30 AM, I had to hold my tears. I looked around the Ninoy Aquino Airport and tried my best to remember leaving this place 11 years ago. I couldn’t remember, and that upset me. I guess I have this personal expectation to remember my childhood, but I need to get over that. Instead, I should remind myself that I am here to make new memories and reconnect with my family.

Side note: I saw Steve Nash at the Manila Airport 

While driving to our spot, it immediately felt like home. The structure of the buildings, the dirt on the sidewalk, the insane traffic, and the long highways reminded me of India. Nothing looked new to me. Everything looked and felt familiar.

During this first day, three things stood out to me. One, hands-down Filipino food tastes the best in the Philippines. I converted back to eating meat and ate tocino with egg and rice. I swear that food melted in my mouth.

Two, I am blessed to be a part of such a hard-working culture. When I was getting my nails done, I talked to my manicurist and she told me her life story. She married young and didn’t finish high school, had 4 kids and commuted roughly 1.5 hours for work (6 times/week). This is a common narrative of many Filipino workers. Hard-work is instilled in our culture because we grow up with the mentality that we must sacrifice for family. I have to admit, hearing her story made me extremely grateful for my family’s sacrifices to really provide that “better” life for me.

Third, I am very similar to my mom. Here’s a list that I came up with so far:

1. She double-checks, triple-checks, quadruple checks everything. For example, when we leave the house, she would check if the stove is off. I do the same.
2. She keeps the conversation going in long car rides. I am that person for my friend group (but I do a better job of knowing when silence is appropriate).
3. She is short-tempered when she doesn’t need or want help. I try to keep my cool when I don’t need or want help.

Selfie in the condo #yeet

Culture Shock

I 09/15 

1:31 AM 

"It's not a good-bye but a see-you later."

As I transition to my first month in UC Berkeley, I have decided to finish this blog with an appropriate post about culture shock.

When I came back a month ago, I had no clue that I would have withdrawals. They are not extreme, but rather mild nostalgia. Since then, I thought about my

experiences, the people that I met, the challenges that I overcame, the inspiration, the culture, and the list goes on! Although I enthusiastically share my stories, they feel less and less genuine (the more and more that I talk about them). It's like I am trying to bring back something that I can't bring back. It's as if the clear memories are slowly becoming blurry. And, the details are getting replaced with new college memories, that I somehow cannot express my Indian stories in an explicit manner. 

I guess what I have been meaning to say is that I have not adjusted back to the American lifestyle. Everything around me

feels so individualistic and fast-paced. And, independence here can never equate to independence in India. I figured that I am too comfortable in the States, that it is such an unfamiliar feeling. I loved the stepping out of my comfort zone. Into the ambiguity. I believe that this process leads to the greatest lessons for the individual. By going into the unknown, we are forced to integrate all that we know, and seek our answers. I know college is the same environment in terms of going out of my comfort zone, but yet, everything feels normal. There is no uncertainty, no ambiguity.

Transitioning into this environment continues to be a struggle since I am also in the process of staying true to myself. It is so easy to get lost in the temptation of mediocracy and to cruise by college. But, I won't be doing myself, my family, my friends any justice. I know how difficult college is (especially UC Berkeley), but the academics is actually not the hardest part. Honestly, there are many resources that range from tutoring, to online education to having mentors, that failing classes becomes a problem of time-management. There is no reason to fail in college. However, I find myself struggling to live up to the day. I want to make the most of my days just like in Hyderabad. I want to wake up with ambitious goals for the days, and accomplish them. I want to stay on top of my game without getting discouraged by the vices around me. I know that I need to surround myself with people that positively motivate me to organize my life, to de-stress when needed, and most importantly stay true to myself. And, I found those people in India, now I just need to find them here.

Culture shock is such a huge problem for me. I easily get attached to people, and only time can surely fix it. There has not been a day since I have not thought about my time in India. I have been holding onto my experiences which makes it extremely difficult to transition to this environment. 

Well, this post is my first of many steps to live up to my memories and create new ones here. I can't keep holding on to the past, rather I should have the past to guide my present (not determine it). 

India, you have been great to me. You have helped me realize the values of family, work ethic, perseverance, genuine friends, and goals. I am forever grateful for this chance to learn and to improve myself. The sky is the limit, and you have proven to me that I am capable enough to reach for nothing but greatness.

Thank you, you will never be forgotten. 

 

08/07

23:16 (writing this on 08:14)

Accomplished. I spent the past 7 weeks for this day. I stayed up until 2 for the past 3 nights for this day. Today is the day.

Before my seminar presentation, I was extremely terrified. I found out that Padmaja wanted me to incorporate edits an hour before my presentation. I did not put in all the extra hours to feel pressured today. So, I told her that I was confident with my edits and will work with what I have.

While I was doing a run-through, I became doubtful. I wanted to just disappear and not deliver my presentation. My nerves were acting up. But, I got a pep-talk from Padmaja and that reassured me that I was doing the right thing. No one else knee my presentation as well as I did. And, I will not disappoint anyone because I worked hard for this. Today is the day.

In the beginning, I stumbled and stuttered. I felt drained because my audience seemed bored. I feed off of other's energies, and if they are not excited, I will not seem as excited. However, I tried to get rid of that mentality, and gave my best. 

By the time 11 hit, I concluded my seminar with a powerful statement that referred back to my background information and purpose. As I ended, I saw smiling faces and people mouthing "great job,". I gave it my all, and my message resonated in the audience. At that moment, the feeling of apprehension went away, and it got replaced by the feeling of excitement and accomplishment. My hard work paid off.

Before the seminar, Padmaja told me that "questions are great because people are interested,". And, there were many interested people that bombarded me with questions. The toughest one was probably Dr. Bantilan's question. She inquired about how my project has a relationship with community driven development (CDD). And, I related it back to my home place and how home is different to the rural village dynamics. But, the main goal of both places are CDD. It's just they have different means in approaching the goal.

07/28-08/06

23:37 (writing this on 08/10)

Passion. I am quite disappointed at myself for letting all these wonderful days pass by without posting in this blog. I love reflecting about my day and highlighting the important parts. So, this blog post will be very different from the other posts. I do not quite recall what happened in the past week and half, so I will just post photos and explain them.

07/30

I had a lovely salad for dinner with delicious bread. We even had a karaoke night and sang to our hearts content. I can't believe how much I missed fresh greens! This was probably one of the healthiest meals that I have eaten here. There are a lot of veg options, but 90% of the time, I have no clue what they are! 

07/31

One of my friends sent me this art that they made on their rooftop. So, I started thinking about what the word meant. The dictionary definition is: (v.) to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something). But, the word means so much more to me. If applied to my life, I think about how every memory, every experience and every person that we encounter "changes" us. And, on an optimistic and pessimistic perspective, our lives continue to change. So, even though we are the "product of our circumstances", the feelings that we go through will change sooner or later. With this whole internship, I cannot believe that I will soon go back to my SF lifestyle. But, it will be different. I think and act differently now, and other people might not adapt to that change in me. However, change is good because that is how we grow and define ourselves. 

08/01

I started this Saturday morning with a Skype call with my favorite people. Then, I got ready to go for Dominos and a Vijetha trip. Honestly, this has been one of my favorite weekends. I spent most of it with Gabby, but we found out that we are practically the same person. It is honestly so scary. But, I have mad respect for her for calling me out on things that I do wrong. And, she does not do it in a condescending way, but rather in a bigger sister tone. Plus, she is very passionate about her culture and her stories about Jamaica influence me to go back home. I hope that I can book a ticket for this weekend to the Philippines! This December will be my 10th year in the US, and I am dedicated to save money to go back home. Well, bottom line, Gabby is basically my evil twin.

08/02

There is so many beautiful and not-so-great things about this photo. Well, this is our ICRISAT family photo with Titu, the dog. This photo makes all of us look so rich (I think it is the dog). After this internship, I am going to look back to this photo and reminisce on all the experiences and memories of the ICRISAT 2015 interns, PhD students and staff. I never learned the importance of conversations until this internship. I never fully grasped the meaning of "fighting the power" until this internship. I never desired to get back to my roots until this internship. And, these people have a huge influence on all those positive effects. I am sad to say that I am leaving this family in a couple of days. 

08/03

Gabby decided to cook for pasta for us because she is tired of her "Gabby meal". So, we feasted on pasta! Unfortunately, I can no longer eat dairy because it upsets my stomach. It is such a bummer because I love cheese and milk so much! I would honestly go cheese-tasting in Berkeley if that is available. Then, we played the wonderful game of Fishbowl, and Gabby and I defended our titles! I love how we win and we don't even cheat! We just have great group dynamics. Like, she understands my gestures and hints, and vice versa! And, we just laugh at the other people when they can't get our cards. Fishbowl is a must-play game for a big group of people! It is very friendly and easy to understand! But, make sure you are partner with someone that thinks like you, so you can easily win.

08/04

After a very tiring day at work, I went to say good-bye to Gretchen. I can't believe that Mariah and I are the next ones leaving! The thought of leaving just scares me. I think it is a bittersweet feeling, but more on the bitter side. 

Then, I went for a very long with Gabby. This blog post basically just rants about my hangouts with Gabby. Well, it was a great de-stresser because work has been slowly killing me. And, I didn't even think about my "to-do list". I put a table on it and just enjoyed the walk, and came across this beautiful view. It reminded me of the San Francisco landscapes, and I can't wait to see those again. Views of skyscrapers just make me think some type of way. I don't just think about their beauty, but how they are made by mankind. And, I think about the history that comes with the views. I was pretty surprised to see the faint and glistening lights that twinkled on this dark night. Above all that, I had great company to share late night conversations and late night simpin'.

08/05

I have almost reached my stress point. While talking to Gabbie (my sister), I could not help but think about all the things left for my project. I spent the past two days writing my report, and now, I have a day and a half to finish my presentation. I just constantly think about my project even when I am facetiming my sister. I want this feeling to go away.

08/06

In the morning, I finished my prezi presentation. After lunch, I presented to Dr. Bantilan and Padmaja. I felt so drained during the whole presentation because I only had 5 hours of sleep. For the past 2 days, I have been sleeping at 2 or 3 AM because of this stressful project. And, I am only stressing about this because I am passionate with my topic. I am not only doing this report for myself, but also for the SHG leaders of Dokur. They have inspired me with their words and their work. And, giving my best regarding this project is my way of thanking them for their impact in my life. So, yes, I will stress about it because I care.

Oh, and happy Jamaican Independence Day! Gabby came over to cook superb chicken and Johnny cakes (?). My plate doesn't seem to have as much food, but that actually made me full! I wished that I was able to help her cook, but I had to work on my project. Then, I left dinner to finalize my report. I did a run-through and that gave me more confidence, but I was still nervous. I just need to use my antsy feelings for my advantage. As I said, I only feel this way because I care about my project. If I did not, I would not put in all the extra hours that make me extremely tired. At this point, I have done everything that I could, and I am just going to continue trying my best, and pray that shows tomorrow.